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I don’t care if it’s my cousins birthday. No mom, no no! You remember what happened the last time we went to Aunt Sallys. They set me on fire. I’m an actor. And sure last time it was just my pants. But what if next time it’s my face? This is the money maker. This is how I get the jobs. I’m not that good of an actor. I know that and I’m man enough to admit it. Don’t you look at me like that. Don’t you look at me! Fine fine. I’ll go. But one thing happens and I’m gone.
Another sister, who asked you if I wanted a sister. I already have three, what you feel the need to add to your collection? Mom—Dad let’s stop and really talk about this…I mean, y’know there’s pills for this sort of thing. I thought we had a good thing going y’know? You, me after all the girls are gone…just me. Remember that? I mean, ma—I hate to state the obvious, but don’t you think you’re a little old to be chasing after 5 kids? And girls? Have you thought of the wedding bills, dad? Honestly, I’m disappointed in both of you. My life is over!
Man if you want to learn karate, this guy is great. Wang is one of the best karate teachers ever. Wang is Chinese. So let me do the talking. Wang doesn’t teach just anybody. He especially doesn’t teach goldos. You know goldos. It means fatty. You man. He only teaches skinny people. There he is. Wait. Konechewa ching chang. I’m just playing I don’t know Chinese. Your not Chinese? You Japanese? Oh Korean. What ever. But can you teach my friend karate? No. He’s not that fat. Come on. Please. Wow. Put that sword thing away. Hey man I think this is the running part of your training.
You’re right, you’re absolutely right. I don’t belong here. But do any of us? Wait, wait, wait! We are more alike than you think! Wicked Witch. The Seven Dwarfs saved Snow White and then what happened? It left you the unfairest of them all! Now you’re hustling pool to get your next meal. How does that feel? You, Frumpy Pigskin, right Rumpelstiltskin…my bad. Where’s that first born you were promised, eh? Hook! Need I say more? Mable, remember when you couldn’t get your fat foot in that glass slipper? Cinderella is out there right now, eating bon bons and schmoozing with every last fairy tale creature that has ever done you wrong! There are 2 sides to every story. And our side has not been told. So, who wants to come out on top for once? Who wants their HAPPILY EVER AFTER?
Where to start? Mom, you’re lookin good, have you lost weight, and Dad—Wow, you macho beast…I think you’re actually looking younger. Now the house may look a wreck, but before you say anything, let’s just calm down and discuss this like mature adults. Don’t worry I’ll fake it. LISTEN, that vase was already broken, and I thought the kitchen needed a new paint job, you don’t like it? Maybe it’ll grow on you. I can tell this is more than you can take right now…I’ll let you two be alone, We’ll catch up later! Say no more, say no more, you don’t have to worry about a thing. I will ALWAYS be here to make sure nobody’s bothering you…you can be alone. You won’t even know I’m here, it’ll be like you’re still on vacation…soooo…anyone for Parcheesi?
Listen up, Aunt Millie-let me tell one of my stories!........Wanna hear about Cecca, who carved his name on the Italian fortress or about Noodler with his hands on backwards, or perhaps (gasp) HOOK?! Whose eyes turn red as he guts you! Educated!?!? Ha, I'm afraid I'm not educated Aunt Milly, but I do know a thing or two about pirates! My unfufilled ambition is to write a great novel in 3 parts about my adventures....What adventures? Well I haven't had any but they will be perfectly thrilling! I don't care if that doesn't make me a lady! Marriage?! YECK!! Um sorry to disappoint you , but I'm not even done with my Barbies, boy have cooties and not to mention what my dad would do to me!
No, I don't sit. I just need to tell you....OK see...the thing is I've seen my dad get hurt so many times. I just didn't want to see it happen again. Yeah, I know..."You won't hurt him"...that's what everybody says, until they do it. But you know, I'm the one that's been there with daddy. It's just been me and him the Dynamic Duo. I'm his #1 girl and that's the way we've had it. And then YOU come along with your dresses and make up and your pretty, nails and stuff and change everything. But, you know, dad is really crazy about you Chanel. I didn't trust you. I was wrong and I am very sorry I have been acting like a spoiled brat standing in the way. I would be so proud to be a part of your family....do I still have a chance???
“I can’t believe I’m in Hannah Montana’s dressing room! Hannah Montana’s hot dogs, Hannah Montana’s scarf…. HANNAH MONTANA! No, I’m sorry, I was just looking for a souvenir don‘t call security. My name is Lilly Trescott and I’m a huge fan.” “What’s wrong with your voice? That happens after every concert? Ohhhh, you give so much. I wish my best friend Miley was here. I’ll call her. Oh yeah, cell phones don’t work at my house either-I think it has something to do with walls and the cement.”
“Well, I guess I’ll be leaving now, without even a towel as a souvenir-only my memories which will fade too too quickly…. OH MY GOSH-the actual scarf your wore on the actual stage??? Thanks.
HERE ARE THE EGGS DADDY. I SEE SOME PIGS WERE BORN LAST NIGHT. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH THAT AX? DO A WAY WITH IT YOU MEAN, YOU MEAN KILL IT! JUST BECAUSE IT’S SMALLER THAN THE OTHERS! HOW DO YOU KNOW HE’D PROBABLY DIE ANYWAY? DADDY, DADDY STOP DON’T, DON’T KILL HIM IT’S JUST UNFAIR. CONTROL MYSELF? THIS IS MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH AND YOUR TALKING ABOUT CONTROLLING MYSELF? BUT IT’S UNFAIR IF I’D HAD BEEN VERY SMALL WOULD YOU HAVE KILLED ME? I DON’T SEE ANY DIFFERENCE THIS IS THE MOST TERRIBLE CASE OF INJUSTICE I’VE EVER HEARD. HOW ABOUT YOU LET ME RAISE THIS PIG AND THEN I CAN SEE FOR MYSELF WHETHER OR NOT A WEAKLING MAKES TROUBLE. OH DADDY WOULD YOU? OH THANK YOU DADDY! HE’S SAVED FROM AN UNTIMELY DEATH! LOOK AT HIM HE’S ABSOLUTELY PERFECT. HIS NAME IS… WILBUR!
Gus, Jaq, I had the strangest dream, My Fairy Godmother sprinkled happy dust over Anastasia and Drizella, and they were so nice to me! I know that was only a dream, but it was so nice, that I think I'll try to pretend that it really happened. Whenever they are mean to me, I'll pretend they actually said something sweet and kind. "Sure, I'll wash you dresses, Drizella... I would love to polish your shoes, Anastasia. Right away Dear Sisters, Thank you!"(Giggles) Did you see their faces, Jaq. They must to think I've gone mad. Did you see how they hurried to their rooms and slammed the doors. They may not actually be caring or good nature, but they'll be too scared to come out of their rooms for at least a few hours. So ... who's up for a game of hide-and-seek while we've got the run of the house?
Dad, I found a dog. I want to keep him. I know I don't need a dog, but this dog needs me. He does need me! Winn Dixie , here boy! He is not a horse, dad! He's homeless, too. I know he stinks. He needs all the help he can get. I can be doing my duty. Look, he's smiling at you. Don't you love a dog with a sense of humor? He's a nice dog, isn't he? He's a great dog, isn't he? Please, daddy, can I keep him? Look at him...he's skinny. He needs to be fed well and bathed, too. Oh, please daddy, please. Please. He can stay! thank you, temporarily. I know it sir, we're not getting our hopes up, are we Winn Dixie?
Look what I found Marlin. Hey little guy. I shall call him Squishy & he shall be mine. And he shall be my squishy. Come here Squishy. Come here little Squishy, wishy, ishy. Ow! Bad Squishy! Bad Squishy! Okay, okay Abby, I won't ever touch another jellyfish! Yikes! Look! There's more. Let's get out of here! I'll beat you back to the shore! Careful? Yeah, I'll be careful I don't make you cry when I win!
Peter, what are your real feelings? You know...feelings! Happiness, sadness, jealousy, anger or love... What do you mean you've never heard of it? YES, I think you have. I dare say you've felt it yourself to something or someone... NO, I don't spoil everything. I know, you taught me to fight and to fly but there's more, so much more. I'm not certain, but I think it becomes clearer when you grow up. Peter, if you grow up...NO! You can't banish me like Tinkerbell. I will not be banished. I WILL NOT go home and grow up and take my feelings with me! Peter, where are you going? Come back! Peter....
Mommy, when are you having another baby? I want to have a little sister. Why can't you have a baby by yourself? You need a husband? But you said that when you met Daddy I was an angel up in heaven, and that God took my wings away and put me in your tummy to be your baby. Why can't you meet someone else and get another angel? What about James? He could be your husband. He already has a wife? Oh. What about our neighbor! The one with the dogs!!!! He doesn't have a wife! That way I can have a sister and a dog all at the same time!
Why would Andy want you? Look at you! You're a Buzz Lightyear. Why, any toy would give up his moving parts just to be you. You have wings, You can talk, You glow in the dark. Your helmet does that cool Whoosh thing, You're a cool toy. As a matter of fact, you're too cool. What chance does a toy like me have against a Buzz Lightyear Action Figure. And now you've taken the seat of honor on Andy's pillow. That used to be my spot. So I don't want to hear any more complaining from you!
Morning…can I use you guys phone to call home? I don’t see why I can’t – I want my grandma to come get me ‘cause I’m not feeling well!
Now why would I want to talk to the school nurse when she does not know anything anyway? She’ll just give me a band aid and a zip lock bag of ice.
What do you mean that’s disrespectful? Sorry…but my lips hurt really bad… why can’t I just call my grandma to ask her to bring me my chap stick?...please? It will only take a minute!?
I don’t care if the school nurse has 5 sticks in her draw! I’m not gonna use hers!!! Why can’t I call home?
Fine, I’ll get back to class!
O-kay, so we don’t usually do this, so this is like a really huge deal. We want to invite you to have lunch with us, for the rest of the week. Coolness! Sitting with us, there are some things that you should know. Like, 0n Wednesdays, we wear pink and you can only wear your hair in a ponytail, once a week. So, I guess you picked today. Oh, and we only wear jeans or track pants on Fridays. But, if you break any of these rules, you can’t sit with us at lunch. Like, not just you, I mean any of us. Oh, and we always vote before inviting someone to sit with us, because you have to be considerate of the rest of the group. I mean, you wouldn’t go buying a new skirt without asking your friends first if it looks good on you? Right. Oh, and it’s the same with guys. You could think that you like someone, but you could be wrong. So, you’ve never actually been to a real school before? Right home school. No, I know what home school is, I’m not stupid.
The nature of my emergency? Uhhh, I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an 11 on it. Ohhhh, this is nine-eleven, I thought you said this was 9 11. What! 9 11 and nine eleven are the same thing. They say you learn something new everyday. O.K. calm down, my mother wanted me to ask if you guys know how to cook a turkey, YES COOK A TURKEY. The emergency is that we are hungry. Listen, if my mother cooks this turkey, we'll be calling you anyway because we'll all be sick. I know, I know, you have other calls to take, oh, by the way, earlier we heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. No, I don't have an address, I'm wearing black capris and a top. Oh, the gunshot thing, minor details. Gotta go. Have to convince my mom to spend Thanksgiving at Aunt Marcia's house. This is the real life or death situation here.
So what do you think? Ok well I’m sorry I’m a little nervous I just have a perfect evening planned for Nathan and me. And by the way... I cannot believe you’re not going on your date. Why should you? Hmmmm… I don’t know… you could pick between this whole thing was your idea or because you physically threatened every person that didn’t follow the rules and if you get between me and Nathan.... Oh shoot… that’s Nathan. I’m not ready. Where are my shoes? Oh yeah, thats right. Listen Brook, I joined cheerleading and also agreed to this stupid plan because of who…uh oh yeah, you. And I’m this close to getting a date with Nathan so if you don’t suck it up and go out with Chris I’m going to hurt you. Ok, great we’re going!
Yeah, you’re Drew McAllister. I’m in your grade. We’ve gone to school together since kindergarten. I sat behind you last year in math. Sam Winchester. I didn’t expect you to know who I was. I mean, I only know about you for the same reason we all know too much about Julia Roberts. Sort of inevitable. Let’s see, you’re student council president, you’re mom’s a professor, you date Cameron Belnap who all my friends call Cameron jerknap. And you got a little brother who is a geek. Kay? Now you do me. See. I find it sort of sad how everyone in my end of the spectrum is sort of reveling in what happened to you. Just because you don’t care about us doesn’t mean we have to kick you now that you’re losing your superstar status. Right? How would that make us any different from what you guys are? You think that’s cold? Coming from the person who sat 2 feet in front of me last year for nine months and doesn’t even know who I am?
I am a real chatter box, okay? At least that’s what my dad says. And my teachers. And my dentist. Bust my friends don’t think so, but maybe that’s because they chatter as much as I do. I mean, I just have a lot to say, y’know? So apparently, my cell phone bill went through the roof, or whatever that means. My dad went on and on for hours about how “I broke the bank,” and I have never even been to his bank. Y’know something, if I talk too much, its because I think I got it from him. But you didn’t hear it from me.
Hey, what's up man? Whatcha doing after school? You wanna come over? I just got that new army game for my PS2. Wait! Hold up. What's that hanging out of your bag? A .....gun? It's fake right? Man stop playing. It's real and loaded? Are you out of your mind? That really isn't very smart. Why are you bringing that gun to school? Because of what Ryan said? You really haven't thought about this clearly. Think Brandon! If they catch you, you will go to jail. They'll lock you up and throw away the key. Your mom’s and your girlfriend’s hearts will be broken. You'll be throwing your whole life away. If you bring that gun to school, your on on your own and I won't have anything to do with it. Oh, but before you leave, let me ask you one question. Is it really worth it?
Hey Alex this is really cool…I’m soooo glad your mom agreed to let you spend the weekend on my birthday…I was thinking that we could spend all day at the mall, oh and Jackie’s coming too….what…You don’t like her?...Is it because of that one time in cheerleading?....Oh come on, she’s really not THAT bad…I really don’t think she meant to drop you in front of your boyfriend. Besides he’s only interested in you…so get over it…I can’t believe you’re acting this way…Jackie has been my friend since kindergarten…And you, well, you didn’t even talk to me last year until I became a cheerleader…Jackie’s like my best friend…Noooo, you’re my friend, too. It’s just that I’ve known her longer…oh…so it’s like that huh?....you want me to chose?....I’m sorry Alex, but I can’t break up with Jackie…So look, if you want to be my friend, you’re going to have to be friendly to Jackie. So now you chose.
You see one day I spent a whole day in this school without a single person looking at me or talking to me. And I realized that was the best day I’d had in a long time. The day that nobody noticed me at all. The day I stopped being there. That was the best day.
Well that was kind of depressing so I went home and took an anti depressant. And another one and for fun, I took twelve more. My mom and doctors called it an accident. And then two weeks later whetn I got back to school, no one noticed. It was like I never left. I guess that’s the upside to not being there in the first place right? Nobody misses you when you are gone.
Why don’t you just hand me that gun and we can walk out of here. NO, Well I’m not going to leave you here. I’m not going to do that. Because I’ve been there. I’ve bought the gun, and I planned on using it. Ikay? I’ve been there. And I want to tell you something. It gets better. That pain in your stomach, that pain in your heart—it goes away. That voice in your head that’s saying “there’s no way out”. It’s wrong Jimmy. Please, just please believe me it gets better.
It's you. I have a picture of you. I got it from Libby. She thought I might like to know what my father looked like. My name is Daphne Reynolds. I'm Libby's daughter, and according to this birth certificate I'm your daughter, too. As far as I know, you're the only man she's ever thought of. Maybe I...Maybe I shouldn't have come. I can tell this is a big shock for you. And I know I'm freaking out in a good way. I mean freaking out in a good way. I've only dreamt about this my whole life. But, I can see now that it was probably a mistake. I shouldn't have come.
You see christina? i knew that if my mom married your dad, then it would be just like being drafted in to the army....latrine times....operation lighthouse....we HAVE to tear them apart! wait...we can have a meeting tonight in the top of the lighthouse where we can try to figure out what we can do to make them hate each other's guts.....and I have just the plan....we can be so high-maintenance that NEITHER of them can stand it....and we can start tomorrow, when we paint the house. What we'll do is make the house SO unbearable that they (and us) have to move back to our separate houses and never set our eyes upon each other ever again.....who's ready for a PAINT FIGHT?
So are you gonna tell me what’s going on with Haley? You’re breaking her heart, and you know that. She’s your girlfriend! You treat her like this, manipulating her; pushing her back to Chris! Don’t look at me like that, you know I’m right. Are you gonna do something about it? You’re a coward. You love Haley… but instead of dealing with it… you avoid her; treat her like dirt God, I used to wonder why you did it, and then I realised something - you’re just… like… Dad.
You dirty little liar.. Explain? Explain how you "forgot" to invite us to your little party?*pause* what? okay, you're not pretending to be one of those plastics anymore, buddy. You ARE plastic: cold, shiny, hard PLASTIC. (preppy voice with additional hair flips) Did you like, have an awesome time? Did you dance wesome dances, listening to awesome music, and then just like soak up each other' s awesomeness? *pause* Wh-OA! [let the word slide with it] I did NOT make you like this.. and It has nothing to do with my little eighth grade revenge! Gosshh.. *pause* at least me and Jordan KNOW we’re mean; you try to act like you’re all innocent, like,*exaggerate* “Oh! I used to live in Africa with all the little birdies and the little monkeys!” *pause* In love? Ha.. With you? See, that’s the thing with all you plastics: you think everybody is in love with you.. when in reality? everybody hates you! Like, Joey, for example? He broke up with Jordan, and guess what? He still doesn’t want you... So why are you still messing with Jordan, Layla? I’ll tell you why.. ‘cause you are a mean girl!
Okay. The man I love has a girl! And then he chooses, her over ME. And that girl…takes my DOG. Okay, she didn’t take the dog…I gave it to her. But I didn’t mean to give it to her, I meant to give it to HIM. But that does not change the fact that she has my hottie…and my dog. And what have I got? – You know I can’t remember the last time we even kissed? Cause you never think the last time’s gonna be the last time. You think there will be more. You think you have forever—but you don’t. Plus my conditioner decided to stop working and I think I have brittle bones! –I just…I just need something to happen. I need a sign that things are going to change. I need a reason to go on. I need some HOPE! And since there IS none, I need to stay in bed and feel like I might die today.
From the happy couple? Oh, right a favor from the wedding story you were covering Saturday night. Don’t you get tired of eating coconut cake and doing the electric slide every weekend? Let me see your column. The bride wore a gown that sparkled like the grooms eyes as he saw her approaching through a shower of rose petals…..And you’re not getting laid???? Commitments is the gold standard of wedding announcements. Every girl on the planet rips open to your column first thing Sunday. Brides kill to get in there. Do you have any idea what you can be doin? To women who are about to get married! They wont’ call you. They wont bother you. They will pretend they never even met you. You can’t beat that!
He’s marrying her! I can’t believe it. I can not believe it. There is no man that won’t fall for her. Even a do-gooder like George. Men just become hypnotized by her voodoo and they lose their minds. You can’t plan your sister’s wedding to the man you love. It’s sick. Me a bridesmaid, for her? You have got to be kidding. Have you been listening? No, no. I won’t do it, on principle. You can count me out. No. NO. Okay fine. Because it’s you. But if she crosses me, I’m gonna kick her skinny “perfect” bum. It could end her hussy days.
This is a great idea for the front page of the Commitments section! Don’t bring up my last idea because it was great too! An expose on price fixing at wedding bakeries. They’re ripping people off! Flour costs pennies per ounce. Is that all this newspaper is about..is fun upbeat articles to satisfy advertisers so the newspaper can make money? Okay you’re right but this is a killer story!. This woman has been in 7 weddings in one year. Two alone just on Saturday! But it won’t just be about her. It’ll be an incisive look at how the wedding industry has transformed something that should be an important rite of passage into a corporate revenue stream. In a fun, upbeat, you know cheerful way. Look, I am dying back there. If I have to write another sentence about baby’s breath, I’m gonna shoot myself. This is a real story. This is what I wanna do. If you don’t start giving me features, I’m gonna have to quit.
So you went by the flower shop and ordered the favors. What about the invitation mockups? Great. This is so much fun. Did I tell you that I asked Julie to be one of the bridesmaids? Cousin Julie! Second cousin twice removed. Cousin Mimi? NO way. She’s so pregnant It’ll just throw off the aesthetics. I’m sorry sis. I know you don’t love Julie. Just don’t listen to her.. Now as for the third bridesmaid, I want you to ask your friend…you know the really rude one. Casey? Yes, Casey..she’s really pretty. She can pull off the strapless. I don’t have that many girlfriends. For some reason girls just don’t like me. I don’t know why. Ok fine. I know why. Will you just ask her?
You said your name was Kevin. As in Kevin. Not Malcom. Your Malcom Doyle the weddings writer? You lied to me. Uh so you use Malcom for the byline so you don’t get stalked by the crazy brides. But—but you write the most beautiful things. Do you actually believe in love and marriage and just pretend to a cynic? Or are you a cynic who knows how to spin romantic crap for girls like me? Oh my gosh. I feel like I found out my favorite love song was written about a sandwich.
To you it’s just another casserole dish. To Tess, it’s the pot she’s gonna cook my mother’s Christmas roast in. And this isn’t just another vase. This is the vase that Tess will get out when George brings home flowers just because he felt like it. Fine be a jerk. All I’m saying is that this isn’t just stuff. These are the things that make up a life together. You know what I think? I think that all your statistics and theories are just a smoke screen. For your little secret---whatever it is. Your parents got divorced. You haven’t found the right girl. You’re afraid you never will. You’re right. Because weddings are the perfect place to forget about being single. What is your problem? Did you have your own fancy wedding and your wife left you or something? Oh no. Oh Kevin I’m so sorry. It was just a guess. Want to find the ugliest stuff in the store and register Tess for it?
Hey, um I’ve just been thinking. You know that milestone we approached badly, the one we pretty much just smashed right into? Yeah, um. I was scared. I’ve never said that to anyone before. Those 3 little words. It always made things seem so final you know…and nothing ever felt final to me. Except this. I know I said I wanted to wait for the right moment. There is no right moment. Because it’s every moment. I love you. 3 little words. And final….well, it’s the beginning with you.
It’s really happening. My first undercover feature by Josie Geller. This is my chance Rob. I can’t do it. Gus wants me to be friends with these people….the popular kids….it’s impossible. You know what it was like for me in high school. All I wanted was to be accepted and they just tortured me. I can’t go back to South Glen High. Focus Please! Don’t you know how much I just wanted to know what it was like to be popular. I want to show them that cool kids don’t freak me out anymore. That I can go in there and be friends with them and I can get my story. I’m not Josie Grossy anymore! I’m not Josie Grossy anymore!
I was bitter, very bitter. My life changed horribly after you set me up in the third grade. I went to Juvie over the whole thing. It was rough in there. The stories I could tell you! And for a long time, I blamed you for everything. I used to sit for hours planning on what I was going to do to make you pay. But I'm out now and it took a long time, but, hey I'm over it. I'm here to make amends. My life has found a new path. No........not God, but I found Amway. As a matter of fact, Im having a few friends over tonight and if we sell enough soap, I'll make Double diamonds. So.....I can count on you to be there, r....ight?
I ain't draft dodging. I ain't burning no flag. I ain't running to Canada. I'm staying right here. You want to send me to jail? Fine, you go right ahead. I've been in jail for 400 years. I could be there for 4 or 5 more, but I ain't going no 10,000 miles to help murder and kill other poor people. If I want to die, I'll die right here, right now, fightin' you, if I want to die. You my enemy, not no Chinese, no Vietcong, no Japanese. You my opposer when I want freedom. You my opposer when I want justice. You my opposer when I want equality. Want me to go somewhere and fight for you? You won't even stand up for me right here in America, for my rights and my religious beliefs. You won't even stand up for my right here at home.
I’m Greek right? So what happens at Christmas is my dad and my uncles fight over who gets to eat the lamb brain, and my aunt Vula forks the eyeball and chases me around with it, and tries to get me to eat it because it’s going to make me smart. So you have two cousins. I have twenty-seven first cousins, just twenty-seven first cousins alone. And my whole family is big and loud and everyone is in each other’s lives and business all the time , like you never have just a minute alone just to think because we’re always together, just eating eating eating and the only other people we know are Greeks. Because Greeks marry Greeks to breed more Greeks to be loud breeding Greek eaters. No one in my family has ever gone out with a non-Greek before, no one, and your, your just wonderful but I just don’t see how this is going to work out.
Sam- I can’t blame her. I deserve to be punished. I wouldn’t want to be friends with me either. It’s just way to difficult. Reduced security or not. I just have to face it, my life will never be normal. Imagine what it is like to have your whole life picked out for you, never making any of your own choices. Imagine, never being alone, and always feeling lonely. You think I’m a silly spoiled kid, completely devoid of gratitude. Oh, and of coarse the other thing, most guys have to deal with meeting the dad. My dates have to charm the commander in chief. Note to fathers worldwide: in order to keep your daughters from getting any action, become the president. You think I’m a silly spoiled kid, completely devoid of gratitude. That’s why you didn’t show up last night. Right....You’re my R.A. It’s forbidden.... I get it. It has nothing to do with my father.
Ugh! This is the last time I’m letting you talk me into one of those tacky vacations with your family. If I wanted to hang out with a bunch of drunk rednecks and talk about “the good ol’ days,” I would’ve gone to your high school reunion. What? At least my family doesn’t pretend to like each other enough to want to spend time together. It would be impossible to keep track of who’s not speaking to who from year to year. Italians are like that, though…I’ve been crossed out of my mother’s will so many times, there’s a big eraser hole in the paper where my name should be! At least they’re not phonies, though. Okay…how about that great big deer your dad was so proud of killing last year? The one who’s big, decapitated head is hanging on their living room wall? Newsflash: there’s no skill involved in running the thing over with his car! That’s not “hunting,” its vehicular homicide! Now with my family, at least you know what you’re getting…even if it is 20 to life in the State Penn. Hey, he was acquitted…My family are real people, and they’d do anything for me. Anything.
Do you know why I hired you? I always hire the same girl, stylish and slender of course. But every so often they turn out to be…I don’t know disappointing and um oh yeah, stupid. I think you would be different. I said to myself take a chance hire the smart, fat girl. I thought I was being clever, but it turns out that you are just as disappointing as the other girls. And the only person I have to blame for your ineptitude is myself for hiring you. You stranded me in the middle of nowhere when my family needed me. And now you want to know if there’s a way you can make it up to me? No!
So John, you’re going out with my daughter. Let me get you something to drink, coke, tea, Ipecac, anti-freeze, water? Not thirsty? So, how old are you? 16! So you think I’m going to let my 12 year old go out with you? She’s 16? Oh. It seems like yesterday she was learning how to ride a bike. Anyway I see your car in the drive. You wouldn’t mind if I rode along in the backseat with a .357 magnum and butcher knife, would you? Kidding, I would never do that! John, there is one thing you must understand. My daughter is leaving a young lady. If she doesn’t return as one, you will be—here she is now. You guys have a good time!
I never wanted to be a mom but sharing it with you is one thing. Carrying it alone the rest of my life-always be compared to you. YOU’RE perfect, they worship you. I just don’t want to look over my shoulder in 20 years KNOWING that someone else would have done it right, done it better, the WAY I can’t. You’re Mother Earth incarnate. You know every story, every WOUND, every memory their whole life’s happiness is wrapped up in YOU. EVERY SINGLE moment. (laugh) Don’t you get it? Look down the road to her wedding. (daydream) I’m in a room alone with her fitting her veil, fluffing her dress, telling her no woman has ever looked so beautiful. (Pause, make eyes red) (choke up) And my fear is that she’ll be thinking—I wish my mom was here.”